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Post by Stockmon on Feb 1, 2008 12:43:04 GMT -6
Jessie sat there with her hands in her lap. The small bench looked a lot bigger when only one person occupied it. She looked at her hands, clenching her fists tightly. She re-read the paper in her hand. When she reached the second word which just so happened to be “loved” she stopped. She couldn’t read that again. She could not go through with all this again. So what if they wanted to know what she saw. She didn’t have to tell them anything, did it really matter? But she couldn’t let her father erase their memory. They’d just come back, unless her wiped her mother’s entire file. No way. “Mommy, I need you.” Jessie whispered out loud. She sniffed, crumpling the paper up. Who needed it anyway? It had been an extra invitation to her mother’s funeral. Who made invitations to a funeral? Her father. Muggles were attending, and so he made little hints to the witches and wizards. They opposed the idea of suppressing their identity in a time of such stress, but they agreed. Jessie remembered all of it. That day, every single detail, every word, each tear. “ Jess, c’mon honey. Your dad… needs to be alone, he’ll come soon. I’ll drive you up, alright? Alright, kiddo?” Jared had asked. She hadn’t said anything. Now she might have made some joke, trying to cheer him up. But back then she hadn’t known he was crying on the inside, forcing a smile to help his young niece, because he had just lost his only family member besides the eight year old at his side. And at that time she was crying. She wasn’t sobbing, like other times that day, just crying. Tears rolling down her cheeks as he had gently helped her into his small truck. That day had been horrible. But four days later her father had given up. He had tried to make her understand that it would be alright someday. That eventually she would get over her mother’s death. But she didn’t. She just cried, and he couldn’t deal with it anymore. He was still mourning, but his daughter made it worse. And when she realized that, she made a choice. She chose him. Her father. He would be happy, if it meant shutting herself inside. Over a long period of time Jessie was able to be happy. To act happy. She had almost convinced herself that she was happy, but she wasn’t. When she would hear about death, or anyone’s mother, or any number of things, she would know. She wasn’t happy. Not truly, not ever. She had no one to share this with, and that was what killed her. But she had someone now. She gave a half smile. She had a friend now. A friend, finally. She had shared with him her story about her mother, and he had shared his own dirty little secret. But she still couldn’t bare her soul, not fully. She was sure, positively sure he didn’t want to hear it. She knew he wouldn’t want to listen to her sob story about how she missed her mother. He could be blissfully unaware of her sorrow, and that was how it would stay. She needed him. She didn’t have to talk about anything, just the fact that he could, would, sit with her. That made her day. Not many people understood what it was like to be so alone. Not many people cared. But she knew, and she cared. Every afternoon she would write letters to her family, telling them about homework, and what other people had been doing. But now she spent her afternoons with Lucas, or thinking about Lucas at least. It wasn’t like she was in love with him, they weren’t those kind of thoughts. These thoughts could, if someone didn’t understand, be mistaken for a school girl crush, on some days. But the fact remained, it was deeper than that. She needed him. And when she thought about him, it wasn’t about how cute he was or wasn’t, it was about what he said. How he laughed, and how easy going her was. How he made her feel like someone, not the insignificant speck she had come to believe she was. She sighed. She would tell them whatever they needed to know. She would tell them every little detail she could remember, but not in person. She would write it down, and they could have it forever. But she would never talk to them again. Never about her mother. That memory needed to remain buried, if she was ever going to be happy. She took a deep breath, followed by a few more. She needed to be alone right now. For once in her short life. She actually needed to be alone. And that surprised her. She knew, though, that if she so much as heard another human’s voice, she would be in danger of cracking. And she could not, and would not crack. No. Never. *** Jessie laughed, today was going to be a good day. No class to attend and she had free time. She had no test to study for, no homework needing to be completed. She could relax. And today she was going to read. She was going to read that Mythology Lucas found so boring. She rolled her eyes, as she often did. But as Jessie pulled a Mythology book from her shelf she saw an owl fly toward her. “A delivery? No… a message. Thank you, darling.” She said softly to the bird, stroking it before it flew away. With the book in one hand, and the message in the other, she sighed. Jessie tossed her Mythology book onto her bed and made her way down to the common room. She could read the message, make some reply, send it out, and then come back up to read her book. It was all so efficient it made her giggle. She grimaced. She didn’t giggle, it was a silly thing to do. But she had, and she rolled her shoulders in such a way as to say “whatever”. She curled up on a common room couch. Once she turned the note over her eyes widened. That signet. Where had she seen it before? She knew she had seen it. She’d burned it into her memory. And then she remembered. Had it not been for her recent encounter with the funeral invitation, she wouldn’t have remembered. That was the death signet. A message informing someone that someone had died. You didn’t even have to open the letter before you got that lovely sick feeling. Like knowing you had an assignment due, but knowing you hadn’t finished it. Then trying to rack your mind quickly, which class, which class? Who? Jessie tore the note open without another thought, it didn’t mean anything to her. It must be for someone else, and she hated seeing the signet in any case. She scanned the message, it had her name. She wasn’t dead, but it was addressed to her. To Jessanna Hortense Twight. It was totally for her. She scanned the note. It mentioned a few names. Even she wasn’t cynical enough to think that many people had died. Besides, they were wrong. No one was dead. Then she spotted the key sentence. That part that sums up the whole thing, makes everything else seem like just background information. “After the accident his body had yet to be recovered, but no hope remains that anyone could have survived such an explosion.” Explosion? Who? When? Where? Jessie’s mind raced. This wasn’t happening, it couldn’t be happening. Not now. Not when she was finally getting her life back. She was happy for the first time in about eight years. This could not be happening. It was not fair. She scanned a bit further. “Mr. Cooper.” She dropped the note. No. No. No. No! That wasn’t true. He was fine. He was always fine! It was true he was bitter most of the time, but he was fine. He hadn’t gotten a scratch on him in years. Years! No one disliked him. No one! Who would want to blow him up! No one! Jessie mentally screamed. Outwardly she whispered, “Jared.” The word seemed so much louder than her screaming. It wasn’t true. It couldn’t be true. She wouldn’t let it be true. She had to tell them. Tell them they were wrong. That was it. It was all a misunderstanding. Just as she nodded, she stopped. It was true. Of course it was true. She couldn’t keep lying to herself. It wasn’t as if she was one of those people, living in bubbles, who thought nothing bad ever happened to them. She had to face facts. Her uncle Jared… “NO!” She wailed. She knew she wasn’t crying. Despite everything, all her emotions, and the blow her fragile soul had just taken, she was not crying. Why couldn’t she just cry? She didn’t care anymore, not about keeping up her persona. She wanted to cry. Lucas said it helped. Maybe he was right. She couldn’t remember, maybe she was wrong. And even if she was right, what was to stop it from helping now? Couldn’t she simply be different. React differently? She was older now, shouldn’t it be easier? She held herself, wrapping her arms around her shoulders as tightly as she could. Her grip was failing her now. She couldn’t think clearly. Jared? No. No, not Jared. Why was this happening? She couldn’t even ask that anymore. All she could think was that this was it. Nothing really mattered anymore. She no longer had anyone. She had forgotten about her father, her uncle, her aunts, her cousins. Lucas. No one existed anymore. It was all empty, a black abyss of death. Maybe she should just die. Wouldn’t that bring her to Jared? To her mother? Why did it always have to come back to her mother? She inwardly screamed again. Slipping deeper into herself was beginning to feel cold. She wanted to look around the room and see if anyone was there, but she couldn’t open her eyes. She wasn’t crying, that was all she knew. Her uncle was dead, she was alone, and she wasn’t crying. Nothing else was every going to be that clear.
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Post by mila2007 on Feb 14, 2008 17:11:30 GMT -6
Lucas was actually feeling pretty damn good. School had been great; everything was working out. During the day, he busied himself with homework and classes and in the evening he would either talk to his new friends Jessie and Clover, or he'd practice his music. Ever since that evening with Jessie in the common room, Lucas had been feeling very playful and giddy.
Currently, he was sitting on his bed in only a snug fitting T-shirt and loose plaid fannel pants. For once, his guitar was out of his reach and his hair was shaggily disheveled. He was looking out the window and out to the lake, letting his mind wander. Lucas had received word from his own family, saying everything was fine. Dad was still being a freak with his video games and music, and Mum had actually managed to grow something for once in the small cups she called pots. The twins were lazing around, not preparing for school. And Tad, dear Tad, was doing well in high school. He was proud of his family. They rarely got in arguments. Only once when Nan had died and Dad and Uncle Billy had gotten in a fight over who got the old painting of a silhouetted man with a guitar.
Aunt Jean had ended the fight by taking it back to her house and telling both brothers they could come over whenever they wished to see it. And that had been that. Lucas had thought it had been pretty funny.
Something unpleasant made him turn on his bed, crossed legs tensing. Call it sixth sense, or a man's intuition, but someone was in distress. He padded silently to his doorway when he heard someone give a shout. “NO!” Was that Jessie? Lucas was immediately concerned, never hearing her shout like that before. He walked a little more briskly to the top of the staircase, expecting to see some jerk molesting her on the couch. Though he wasn't known for it, Lucas could open a can of whoop-ass when he wanted to. Instead, he found her curled on said couch looking more or less a wreck. His brisk walk turned more into a nervous trot as he neared the center of the stairs. By the time he reached the bottom of them, the nervous jig became more of a panicked sprint to the couch. Naturally, Lucas almost broke his skull when he tripped over the corner of carpet sticking out from under the common room furniture, but he regained his balance and kneeled in front of Jessie, eyes full of concern. "Jessie? What's the matter?"
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Post by Stockmon on Feb 15, 2008 20:11:45 GMT -6
Jessie was realizing, contrary to her earlier thoughts, being older did not make it easier. It made it harder. It was more real. She’d had more time to get to know him. To expect things of him. To expect to see him certain places. Graduation. Picking her up when she went home for two months over the summer. On the weekends to watch weird movies he had picked up at some random store that he ran across in a different country. She didn’t know why he went to different countries, or why he knew so many languages, but she missed him. She had closed her eyes and was picturing him. He couldn’t really be dead… could he? She opened her eyes to see Lucas falling over. Had he just tripped? That looked fairly dangerous.
He knelt in front of Jessie, looking worried. “Jessie? What’s the matter?”
Jessie didn’t notice anything about him. Not how he was dressed, not how he appeared to have just woken up. Just one thing. His voice. Any voice. She hadn’t heard anyone except herself since she read that letter. She looked at him for a moment. Just blinking. She couldn’t speak for a while, unable to even consider the answer to that question. Instead of answering Jessie got at level with Lucas, her actions were more or less thoughtless. She just moved, it didn’t occur to her to think about it much. She hugged Lucas, he head on his shoulder.
Her eyes became glassy and she closed them, holding tight to the only person she could. The only person she trusted for so many miles. She sniffled as she vaguely felt a few tears well up in her eyes. “Jared…” she said. It was the only thing she could really say, as her voice shook when she tried to make any noise. Maybe he would see the letter and find out for himself, but Jessie didn’t really care if he knew or not at the moment.
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Post by mila2007 on Feb 15, 2008 20:38:19 GMT -6
Lucas was afraid Jessie was hurt. She wasn't speaking to him and she looked very upset. He started to reach up to put a hand on her shoulder comfortingly, when she placed her head on his shoulder. Lucas didn't wait for her to say anything, wrapping his arms around her trembling form and hugging her tightly. He closed his eyes, feeling her sadness. What could possibly make her this upset?
“Jared…”
Jared... By the sounds of it a close relative, or friend. Her voice sounded so heartbroken... Lucas felt his own tears prick his vision. She sounded so lost and vulnerable. He swallowed once, thickly, trying to figure out what to say. He just held her more tightly, rubbing his hands in soothing circles on his back. When he was upset, his mother always did that to him. It made him feel a lot better. "Can ya tell me what happened?" He asked softly into her hair, turning his face towards her.
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Post by Stockmon on Feb 15, 2008 21:03:43 GMT -6
Jessie felt him rubbing her back and she bit her lip. He spoke but it didn’t really register for a while. She heard him, but she didn’t know what was going on. She felt better being held. But she finally went back to what he’d said,
“Can ya tell me what happened?”
He sounded sort of upset, it made Jessie pull back. She looked at him. He looked upset too, but she couldn’t do anything. It didn’t really occur to her at first that he was worried about her, and that was what was upsetting him. She had no comfort left in her; she couldn’t help anyone, especially since she couldn’t help herself. She reached back and grabbed the letter, sitting on her legs somewhat painfully, but she didn’t really notice. She dropped it between Lucas and herself. Jessie was utterly opposed to touching it, and looking at it was worse.
She reached up to wipe some tears off her face, when it occurred to her that she was in fact crying. She stared at her finger where a drop fell off. Jessie whimpered, letting out a sob as she pushed herself against the couch, still sitting on the floor.
“My Uncle… Jared.” She said, her voice shaking as she tried to explain. She looked at Lucas; crying didn’t really seem to be helping, but she would have conceded that it wasn’t as awful as she’d recalled. She would have conceded… had she been able to think. She pulled her knees up to her chin and looked at the wall.
“That letter…” Jessie gulped, licking a tear that reached her upper lip, “It… it means someone died.”
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Post by mila2007 on Feb 15, 2008 21:19:44 GMT -6
Jessie pulled back and Lucas let her, meeting her wavering gaze. Her eyes were brimming with tears, but none had fallen yet. The sight made Lucas swallow again. She reached behind her and grabbed a letter Lucas hadn't noticed in her panic, dropping it between them. He stared at the letter for a few minutes before looking up at her, face void of his fears. She wiped a tear away in response, looking at it for a moment as if mortified. It made Lucas's heart ache further.
Jessie scooted up on the couch, giving a small sob. “My Uncle… Jared,” she said in a shaky voice. Lucas stood up, ignoring his knees' protests in the form of two muffled cracks, and sat down next to her, turning his torso so he was facing her. Jessie pulled her knees to her chest, which made Lucas remember the nights when he hadn't had his drugs. That was the position he'd curl into at night, shaking and sweating. Sometimes praying for death. Presently, it appeared as if it had came. And to an innocent young girl. “That letter… It… it means someone died.”
Lucas said nothing for a moment, looking deeply into her tear-laced eyes. He placed his hand gently on her shoulder. "Jessie... Ah'm so sorry to hear that," he said softly. "Is there anything Ah can do?"
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Post by Stockmon on Feb 15, 2008 21:33:43 GMT -6
Jessie didn’t notice Lucas until he was beside her again, a hand on her shoulder. “Jessie… Ah’m so sorry to hear that,” She put her head on his shoulder, her breath was strained and she sounded exhausted. “Is there anything Ah can do?”
She closed her eyes. Jessie took a deep breath, trying to keep herself from hyperventilating, it was a tough battle but as long as she didn’t open her mouth she was alright. But she wanted to communicate with Lucas. He was the most important person in the world right then. He was her only tie back to logic and sense. If he left she would be alone again. And being alone was the worst thing for her.
“N-… n-no.” She stuttered, her voice shaking as she neared hyperventilating again. Tears dropped off her chin and she didn’t even notice. What had happened the last time she’d cried? Jared. Always that man was around, and he was cheering her up, or attempting it. She almost felt selfish, pushing her own pain on Lucas, but she didn’t know what else to do. He was there, and she needed someone.
Finally after just crying for a little while Jessie managed to add a few more words, “Just talk to me.” She swallowed, taking another deep breath, that seemed to be a common act at this point. “Sorry.” She mumbled, closing her eyes, wet eye lashes meeting in the middle.
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Post by mila2007 on Feb 15, 2008 22:12:37 GMT -6
“N-… n-no.” Jessie whispered. Lucas's brow furrowed. Her breathing didn't sound right. Lucas let her rest her head on his shoulder, brushing a few strands of her hair from her eyes. He moved his hand from her shoulder, finding it at an awkward angle, and instead putting his arm over her shoulders.
He had never seen someone so upset. It made his chest hurt. Especially because it was Jessie. She seemed so melancholy most of the time anyway, except when she was talking about what she loved. He wanted to see her smiling again, laughing, something... anything other than what she was doing right now.
“Just talk to me. Sorry.” She sounded so small. Lucas didn't know what to do. "Okay," he managed to say tenderly, offering her a watery smile.
What did you talk about after someone died?! Lucas panicked. He didn't think it was appropriate to talk about the person who had just died. But what did that leave? Nothing really seemed to work in this situation. He blinked his eyes, finally letting out a sigh. "Ah know how hard it is to lose someone," he said quietly, saying it slowly so he could monitor how he said it so as not to upset her. "And Ah know it looks pretty hopeless sometimes... But ya'll get through it." He paused a moment before taking her hand in his and looking her dead in the eye. "Ah'll help ya every step of the way. Ah promise."
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Post by Stockmon on Feb 15, 2008 23:28:06 GMT -6
Jessie felt Lucas arm around her shoulders, and she sighed, becoming a bit less tense, but still fairly reserved. Her eyes hurt a bit from crying, perhaps because it was so unlike her. She closed them and just sat still as he spoke.
“Okay, Ah know how hard it is to lose someone,” Did he? Jessie blinked her eyes open. She felt badly for him. Anyone who lost anyone had her empathy, and she pitied them more today than ever. “And Ah know it looks pretty hopeless sometimes… But ya’ll get through it.” He paused. Jessie frowned. She hadn’t done so well with her mother. She was alive, and she was functional, but she hadn’t done well coping. She snapped back when Lucas held her hand. She blinked a few tears out and looked at his eyes. “Ah’ll help ya every step of the way. Ah promise.”
“Thanks, Lucas.” Jessie sniffled, shaking a bit as she got closer to him. She closed her eyes but she thought of Jared and she could see his face. So she opened her eyes and swallowed. “That’s very good to hear.” She whispered, keeping her eyes open to avoid seeing her uncle’s face. He usually scowled at her father. But sometimes when they watched movies he would laugh and tease her. He was one of her best friends, her favorite uncle. Chris was good, but he wasn’t Jared. He was special. Not just an uncle. She whimpered.
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Post by mila2007 on Feb 18, 2008 18:05:51 GMT -6
“Thanks, Lucas. That’s very good to hear.” Jessie sniffed, scooting closer to him. Lucas offered her another weak smile, tightening his arm's grip around her shoulders in a one-armed hug. "It'll be alright," he murmured soothingly, tightening his hand around hers. "Ya'll see." Lucas crossed his legs under him, getting more comfortable. Jessie whimpered next to him and he cast his eyes down to the floor. Seeing her upset pained him in a way. It was like her dismay was pulling him down too. But the weirdest part was he didn't mind it one bit. If it had been anyone else, he would have probably left or not gone down to check on them in the first place. He wanted to be close to Jessie, wanted to help her through thick and thin. The lyrics to Little Razorblade flashed through his head, giving him a startling realisation. Don't call it a crush. Don't call it a crush. You know I love you too much, To be crushed like that. Don't call it a crush, indeed... Lucas flushed, shaking his head. He'd have time to stew over that later. Right now, Jessie needed him. He had a question to ask her, but he couldn't say it to her without sounding like some sort of perv. Oh well, he'd risk looking like a fool. For Jessie, it seemed alright. "Are ya, um," he began nervously, finally looking into her teary eyes. "Are ya going to be okay when it comes to going to sleep tonight?"
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Post by Stockmon on Feb 18, 2008 19:49:58 GMT -6
Jessie felt Lucas tightening his grip on her, she get a bit less tense, trying to convince herself she’d be alright. She trusted Lucas, “It’ll be alright, Ya’ll see.” He said, tightening his hand. She squeezed her eyes shut as some more tears fell from her eyes. She dried her eyes on sleeve, leaving a large dark stain on one arm. But it didn’t matter to her. Everything could burn up or be destroyed and it wouldn’t matter to her one bit. She didn’t care about anyone or anything. If someone had asked her if she wanted to save anyone, she would have hardly remembered to mentioned the remainder of her family, and Lucas. But she wouldn’t have remembered anyone else. Not even… or especially herself. She didn’t care about herself. The only times she worried about herself was when she was in pain. When she was happy she didn’t remember to worry, and when she was sad it just hurt. She felt Lucas adjust himself but she didn’t really think about it. She was slipping back into herself. Jared was gone. He wasn’t going to be there for her when she was lonely and bored out of her skull. He wasn’t going to take her on any more flights through fields or play games with her late at night, ignoring her fathers suggestions of getting to bed before the sun rose. But that was only part of the year. So why was she sad now? Looking forward to missing him? He wasn’t there now. But then she remembered… letters. Another rush of tears feel out, but she bit her lip so she didn’t make a sound. Sabrina wrote letters as often as she was able, everyone else wrote every month or so. But if she wrote to Jared, there was an envelope in her hand so fast she couldn’t believe he’d even gotten her letter yet. She would get things dropped on or near her at meals. But she took it for granted that he’d send her something. If he had nothing to say he would quote some play or write her an unusual poem that never made sense until months later, if even then. But now she didn’t think she’d be able to go to a meal. Because there would be nothing. They’d just… stop. Maybe she’d get another one he’d sent beforehand, but they’d probably already reached her. He was gone. And she only thing left now were photographs. But what when they ran out? You could stare at the same pose for long enough… and even magical pictures that moved, didn’t really… change. Jared was… gone. Apparently destroyed, what a horrible thing. She licked off a few more tears. He was gone and she couldn’t get him back no matter what. She could beg, plead, pray, anything. He wasn’t coming back. She was helpless, hopeless, heartbroken. Death was the most horrible thing ever, she conceded half heartedly.
“Are ya, um,” Lucas said, jerking Jessie back from her spiraling thoughts of misery. She blinked a few times. He sounded uneasy, Jessie didn’t like that. Normally it was just funny to see a guy act worried, it was cute really. But right now she needed him to be the normal one. And besides, Lucas never seemed to act weird around her, at least that she’d noticed. But he was asking her something, as far as she could tell. She forced herself to keep rolling her thoughts back to Lucas, focus on the present moment and not the things that were going to make her feel worse.
“Are ya going to be okay when it comes to going to sleep tonight?” That was a silly question. Jessie blinked about ten times and then just stopped. Silly? It wasn’t silly, it was just… unexpected. What in the world was her mind doing? Silly? She really didn’t care for that word at this point in time, it was useless and happy, unlike her. Well, she wasn’t really useful, but she wasn’t without any use. Now had she been talking to upperclassman whose birthday fell later in the month then she would have been thinking differently. Had she been this close to him in the first place her mind might have already been shut off, but it wasn’t, and he wasn’t there. Lucas was there. She didn’t really know what he was proposing. Even if she wasn’t going to be okay, what could he do about it? Now, had that come from Rori or one of the other girls she could probably have figured out some ways that they could have helped. But she didn’t even want to tell them. She might not have told Lucas had he not come down. Well… she would have explained to him why she was upset, but if he never asked she didn’t think she’d have told him. She didn’t feel like telling anyone about it, at all. But it was probably a good thing Lucas knew; he was there with her, trying to help her. And if she didn’t have him she might still be zoned out, slipping farther from any reachable state. She might even have gotten the energy to walk someplace. That wouldn’t have been good. She wouldn’t have hurt herself; she wasn’t capable of hurting herself on purpose. But she would have hidden. And hidden away meant no one would find her, and that could not have ended well. She blinked once more after letting Lucas wait for a sufficient amount of thinking time,
“I don’t think I’ll be okay for a while…” She said, referring directly to what he’d asked and in general to the next few days. She let that go for a moment considered sleeping. She was sensible enough to realize she’d probably find something Jared had given her, a letter at least, clutch it, curl up into a ball under her covers, and cry until she was asleep. But she didn’t mention that to Lucas, he’d worry more. “So, no. Why?” She asked, reaching up and wiping the most recent tears from her face and sniffling a bit.
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Post by mila2007 on Mar 6, 2008 17:27:11 GMT -6
The minutes that passed between them seemed like an eternity. Jessie looked confused, Lucas felt like a fool... What a stupid question! She probably thought he was some sexual predator, preying on young girls that had just suffered some sort of personal disaster-
“I don’t think I’ll be okay for a while…So, no. Why?” She sniffed, wiping tears from her eyes.
Why? Lucas flushed. How could he tell her he would protect her any way he could, even if it meant he had to, God forbid, break the rules and climb into her bed? Hold her until she was better and all that cliche like stuff? No, you can't just come out and say stuff like that to someone. Only in the cinemas. "Just wanted to make sure," he finally croaked, trying to find a way to change the subject. He clasped his hands between his legs. The gesture made him feel like a little kid. He felt more like a little kid when their parent is crying. Awkward, trying to figure out what to say or what to do.
Lucas sighed angrily suddenly, rubbing his hands over his eyes. "Ah'm sorry, Jessie. Ah wish there was something Ah could do to make ya feel better." He looked back down at his hands, fiddling with them. They felt empty without his guitar, but he felt even more empty when Jessie was sad.
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Post by Stockmon on Mar 6, 2008 19:05:48 GMT -6
Jessie sniffled and watched Lucas react to her comments. She was fairly certain he was blushing, not that she understood why. She really wasn’t thinking clearly anymore, it was just a haze of feelings. There was death… and there was Lucas. Jared was death. Lucas wasn’t death. Simple enough. A did not equal B. She closed her eyes and saw death. But she opened them and saw Lucas. Jared wasn’t just death… but right now she couldn’t get past that point. Lucas was trying to bring her back from her death by emotion… and she didn’t like death.
“Just wasn’t to make sure,” He choked. Jessie turned her head a bit more to face him lifting her head from his shoulder. He didn’t seem to be saying anything else. So what had he made sure of? Well they’d clarified that she wouldn’t be alright… but he didn’t seem to have any other plans on that matter. So was he just making sure she wouldn’t be… just for reference? Jessie closed her eyes, unable to open them for a moment. They hurt a lot, and she felt so tired. She just wanted to sleep so that everything would go away. Then she’d wake up… and for those few moments nothing would be wrong. She opened her eyes when Lucas sighed suddenly,
“Ah’m sorry, Jessie. Ah wish there was something Ah could do to make ya feel better.” She vaguely noticed him fiddling with his hands. He didn’t look at her, she wished he would, it made her feel better.
“All I asked you to do was talk to me… and you are…” She said, talking fast so she could make sure her words came out right. “I don’t know why you’re upset… please don’t be upset, Lucas.” Her words slowed down and she let out a tired breath. If everything else in the world would just… stop… it wouldn’t matter. She blinked some more, having a hard time separating logic from emotion. “Wanting to help… the idea that you want me to feel better… that’s comforting…” She closed her eyes again then leaned back against the couch. “And right now I like the idea of comfort… so thanks…”
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Post by mila2007 on Mar 15, 2008 14:41:26 GMT -6
“All I asked you to do was talk to me… and you are… I don’t know why you’re upset… please don’t be upset, Lucas.” Lucas balled his fists. How can I not? How can I not, when you're so upset? How can I be okay when you're so sad? Do you even realize how much you affect me, he wanted to yell.
He put his hands over his face. She doesn't know, does she. She doesn't know. He ran tired fingers through his hair, sending it in willy nilly directions. Suddenly, it was like Jessie wasn't even there.
Lucas felt a sense of deja vu wash over him. Where had he felt these sensations before?
"Lucas, why are ya doing this?" Not necessarily angry, but more of a sigh of exasperation.
Lucas remembered chuckling deep in the back of his throat as he removed the belt from his arm. The needle clattered to the floor. Lucas stared at it for a second before answering his brother. "'cause Ah can," he said bluntly, shrugging and laughing. "Don't ya want to feel that freedom, Tad? Doing whatever ya want?" He chuckled, letting his head fall back against the foot of his bed. Tad said nothing. He closed the door, submerging them in darkness. He sat cross-legged a ways away from his high sibling.
After a moment, he sighed. "Naw, Ah wouldn't like that. Not if it was going to kill me." He looked out the window and across their yard.
Lucas feigned interest. "Reeeally," he almost slurred. "Ya wouldn't want to be free... forever?" Tad shook his head. Lucas furrowed his brow, genuinely interested now. "Why?"
"Because it'd be awful lonely. Only so many people can do whatever they want everyday. So ya'd be more alone then anything, and that doesn't sound like the kind of freedom, or death, Ah'd like to have." Tad turned gentle eyes on his younger brother. Lucas stared back defiantly for a moment before letting his head fall back, brow furrowing again. "Yeah. well Ah'd want to be alone," he mumbled. "Aloooone. No one else."
"We both know that's a lie," his brother countered with, regarding him almost boredly. "Ya need attention constantly. Either that or an audience of some sort. Ya wouldn't last five minutes." Lucas opened his mouth to object, but Tad raised his hand in a cutting-off gesture. "Enough." He stood up and walked over to the doorway, hand on the knob.
Lucas smirked. "Off to tell mum and dad about me? Tell them what Ah'm up to, sittin' in the dark with a belt and a needle? It won't change anything." He sounded almost snarky.
"'s why Ah'm not going to tell them." Lucas stared in surprise at his brother. "'cause Ah know it's not going to change anything." He turned around and his stare... Lucas swallowed. Tad was giving him a look of pity. "Ah'm sorry ya need crap like that to make ya feel alive, Lucas. Ah thought ya were better than that. Ah'm disappointed." He left.
Lucas felt tears prick his vision. "-me to feel better… that’s comforting…” He looked up at Jessie, startled. That's right, he was at Hogwarts with Jessie. Jessie who had just lost an uncle. Lucas who was sitting on the couch, comforting her. Sitting there... in Hogwarts, not his dark room. Jessie wasn't Tad, Jessie was Jessie. And Lucas was Lucas. A different, stronger Lucas than the one in his dark room. He blinked, rubbing the tears away with the heel of his hand. “And right now I like the idea of comfort… so thanks…” Lucas liked the idea of comfort right now too, but he was here for Jessie. He couldn't incorporate his own problems at a time like this. He had to be strong for her. He nodded, managing a watery chuckle. "Yeah... no prob," he smiled, masking his feelings. "Would ya... like to hear a song? Would that help?" He needed to sing right now, regardless of what she said. He needed to get lost in music.
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Post by Stockmon on Mar 15, 2008 15:56:18 GMT -6
Jessie noticed Lucas’ eyes get teary. He was not focusing on her at all and she was smart enough to realize that, but then he came right back, rubbing his eyes, nodding. Jessie sighed, she knew well enough what people could do when they didn’t want others to know they were upset. She would have given it more thought had she not been insanely upset still.
“Yeah… no prob.” Lucas said, smiling. Jessie rolled her eyes at him. She was upset, but if he was going to pretend something wasn’t bugging him she was going to feel worse about that. “Would ya… like to hear a song? Would that help?”
Would it help? It didn’t take long for her to figure out that letting herself focus on music would help, but she was also thinking Lucas wanted that. Jessie hugged her friend for a moment and then leaned back again, “Sure…” She said. The only hesitancy was when it occurred to her that he might try to get his guitar, “D-don’t…” She stopped, running a hand through her hair and sighing, “Whatever you want… just don’t leave, please.”
Jessie looked absent for a moment, completely silent. She didn’t say anything for quite some time, just putting her chin on her knees, “Something wrong Lucas?” she asked finally, closing her eyes and trying to think about something clearly without reverting back to Jared.
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